


i rebuild when i break down

by Karturtle (karturtle)



Series: you ask me where i've been(like i ask you where you are) [5]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Ben Is Super Alive, Dave? Not So Much, Fond Reminiscing, Gen, Hargreeves Fix Their Shit Au, Hurt/Comfort, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Less Fond Reminiscing, M/M, Smoking, dave is jewish and i wont let you forget it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 11:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18281483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karturtle/pseuds/Karturtle
Summary: Klaus and Ben hang out. Klaus fondly reminisces.(a cut scene from love you without any strings attached, my ben + klaus fic. can be read without prior knowledge)





	i rebuild when i break down

**Author's Note:**

> _i leaned in and let it hurt_   
>  _let my body feel the dirt_   
>  _when i break pattern, i break ground_   
>  _i rebuild when i break down_   
>  _i wake up more awake than i've ever been before_
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> [-pluto, sleeping at last](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWaYWsNW5ew)

There’s a day where they’re left to themselves and have some free time, and Ben is curled up on Klaus’ bed with a book. Klaus himself is sitting on the window sill with a cigarette and a lighter he keeps flipping on and off. It’s a strange thing to see how natural and at ease he is with one of his vices when he’s a fresh-faced 14 year old again. 

Despite his ‘age’, Ben can see how life has worn him down. Especially now when they’re alone, he can’t slap on a smile and hide in front of Ben, so he doesn’t bother. Instead, there’s a weariness to him as he stares out the window, and it belongs on someone much, much older that the body of this innocent teen.

He’s not even making much noise, thankfully- alive Ben has new boundaries, and one of those boundaries is that Klaus can’t chatter when he’s trying to read a book. But that doesn’t mean they can’t hang out together while he does it.

They don’t stray far from each other these days, even though they can. They’re not attached at the hip, but they always come back around to each other like they’re orbiting each other. 

It’s weird to Ben how Klaus used to be his connection to the world, a tether to the living that keeps him from becoming a proper, lost ghoul, driven mad in their death. But now the roles have reversed. He needs Ben to keep him in the present, an anchor he can cling to when he’s getting lost in his thoughts and the ghosts are screaming. 

Ben doesn’t mind in the slightest on the days where Klaus has to be a little extra clingy- it helps him too, the constant touch. Reminds him he’s still alive, which he sometimes forgets on his worse days.

“You look.. bummed.” Ben can’t find a better word doesn’t directly call out his brother on his brooding, but he feels the need to check up on him when Klaus lights up his fifth cig. The book is set down on his lap, and he waits for Klaus’ attention.

He can almost see the process of Klaus climbing out of whatever dark, thoughtful hole he’s in. After a moment, he looks to Ben, blinks a few times. “Huh?”

“You okay?” Ben asks.

“Oh, you know.” Klaus replies airily, waving his cigarette in a vague gesture. He tosses the lighter on the sill next to him. “Just peachy, Benny-boy.”

“Uh-huh.” Ben doesn’t look convinced in the slightest, and he stares at Klaus with a frown until his brother makes an annoyed sound and hunches forward from where he’s seated. Ben won’t let this go, and he knows it. “Is it the ghosts?”

“No, no, no.. they’ve been.. Fine, lately, nobody especially cranky. I’m just..” He waves his hand around again, his now unoccupied one moving to grab the dog tags around his neck. “Tired. I’m very tired.”

“Yeah.” Ben responds, “Yeah, I’m tired too.”

Klaus gives him a grim smile and takes a drag in response, sighing it out.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?”

“Always.” Klaus murmurs, running his thumb along the metal gently.

Ben’s expression softens, and he puts his book aside for now. “Tell me about him. Something I don’t know.”

“Mmm.” Klaus takes his time considering what to say, a good few minutes, but Ben doesn’t push. Eventually he gets around to it. “He.. had this patch of freckles, right on his hip.”

The corner of Klaus’ mouth lifts in a soft grin. “They were in, like. The shape of a bear. He didn’t believe me until I found a pen and connected the dots.”

“What’d he say?”

“He said, ‘Well damn, spook, I guess that’s a fucking bear.’ And then he stole the pen. Told me he’d have to confiscate it, otherwise everyone would wake up with dicks drawn on their faces.” 

Ben lets out a small laugh. Klaus only sighs, closing his eyes and letting himself drift among these soft thoughts. He’s gotten better at it, just letting them come and go rather than fight against thinking about the past at all.

“He was covered in them- in these beautiful constellations. It felt.. like they were just for me. And they kinda were. I mean-” He snorts softly, “as far as I know, he never stripped in front of the guys. Nobody else knew he was covered in those little stars. Just me.”

Ben listens and smiles, letting Klaus get lost in the fonder side of things. With Ben, when he’s safe like this, he usually just rambles about the harmless things. Reminiscing. Trying to keep the memory alive. 

(Once, he told Ben in the middle of the night, that he couldn’t remember just what shade of blue Dave’s eyes were. He started to cry, telling Ben he was terrified of forgetting these things. Ben told him that he’d help him remember. Klaus whispered all the small details he could think of that night, and was more willing to tell him stories or go on tangents about his time in Vietnam.)

“Towards the- the end, there, I started thinking..” Klaus looks back at Ben and worries his lip, like he’s not sure he should say it. “I, um, I started thinking. About how nice it would be to not be a Hargreeves, to someday be Klaus Katz.”

“Oh.” He pauses, then nods gently. “It’s got a ring to it, huh?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Klaus reaches up to rub at an eye with the back of his hand. “It felt so.. Weird, but also right to think about. Like, I’m a member of the  _ Umbrella Academy _ , why should I get to have a normal life, with a- a house and a cat? I don’t know how Allison did it.”

“Well. You know how she probably did it.” Ben points out, and Klaus makes a face and nods.

“Oh, our dearest darling sister. I like her more now that she’s got the whole ‘no rumor’ policy. Remember how many times she’d use it on me? Not even because dad said. No, just to get her way.”

“I-” Ben pauses, “I don’t remember, actually. I guess I never.. Saw it. She never really rumored me.”

“Of course, no. Good times. Good times..” Klaus murmurs, “Anyways, it wasn’t even like we could’ve gotten married _ then _ \- but it was a nice thought. To have a life with him, settle down, do all his traditions and stuff. When he whispered to me in Hebrew it was- it was beautiful. I dunno if I would’ve, like, converted or anything, but I’d have liked to have seen that part of his life.”

Klaus’ smile grows bittersweet now. “We talked a lot about the after.” He says, “He was excited about San Francisco. He’d visited a few times and loved it, wanted to take me. There were people like us there. And  _ lots _ of pot and tie dye for me.”

“He knew you pretty well, huh.” Ben comments. Klaus gives him a wry smile, nods, then goes silent for a moment.

“Hey, Ben?” He asks quietly. He doesn’t follow up immediately. Instead, Klaus takes a drag and blows it out slowly, contemplatively. His voice cracks when he finally says, in a defeated, broken tone, “I think- I think I was going to spend my life with him.”

Klaus and Ben sit in silence then, the gravity of that statement taking hold. For someone like Klaus, finding someone he loved and trusted so much he wanted to spend his _ life _ with them.. Ben knew he loved Dave, but maybe he’d never really considered just  _ how _ deep that love went.

“That’s.. That’s why you stayed, huh. I never really understood why you stayed in the war for so long.” Ben replies slowly, then looks down at his hands in his lap. “Would you have come back? If he didn’t die?”

Klaus looks at him with a sad smile that says everything Ben needs to know. And it’s not surprising, not really. It’s still a somber thought, though, thinking about his anchor leaving forever.

“I just..” Ben sighs, shrugging a shoulder. “I don’t understand why you didn’t bring him back with you.”

Klaus’ brow furrows, and he looks at Ben with a skeptical look. He stands up and stretches out his back, cig still lit in his hands while he moves to sit down on the end of the bed. “Um, y’know. The war and stuff.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t have to stay ten whole months. Did you.. just not want to come back and deal with everything?” Ben asks, “I guess I could understand that. Wanting to be done with this whole mess. I don’t blame you, but..”

“Wait, hang on man, horrific childhood trauma keeping me away aside, If I came back earlier, I still wouldn’t have had Dave.” Klaus is frowning now. Not an upset frown, something just isn’t clicking right.

“But you had the briefcase the whole time, right?”

“Yes...?”

“Weren’t there two time travelling assassins using it?”

Ben watches Klaus in confusion, not sure how to explain it better. But after a beat, he sees something slowly start to dawn on him.

“....wait, you’re telling me I could’ve-” Klaus’ eyes widen, “oh shit, I could’ve- We could’ve-” He puts out the cigarette by jabbing it into his bare arm, and Ben nearly tells him off for it, but Klaus doesn’t pay attention because he’s busy putting his face in his hands making a yelling, screeching sound into his palms.

Oh. Oh, no.

There’s a moment of silence where Klaus thinks, and Ben thinks, and then Klaus starts giggling. But that isn’t his gleeful, delighted giggle. It’s a distressed, broken one. Ben has been by his side long enough to know the difference.

Klaus looks up, and he’s laughing now, tears mixed with eyeliner rolling down his face when he says, “I could’ve brought him back.” He’s choking on his words between bouts of roaring laughter but he’s on a roll and he won’t stop now. “I could’ve- hell, I could’ve even used the briefcase to go back and  _ save _ him after the fact. Right? I’m right, aren’t I?”

Ben says nothing, only watches.

“I-  _ shit _ . I’m such a  _ fuckup _ .” He laughs, leaning against the wall by his bed and staring at Ben with big watery eyes, “He was the love of my life and I was so stupid that I- I destroyed it. I lost every chance of seeing him alive again. Now I’m fucking- fucking  _ 14 _ and he’s dead and that’s  _ it _ .”

He sinks to where he can lay down, slowly moving to a sort of fetal position while going through a new stage of grief and regret. Ben still can’t find the words to say. His brother is sobbing now, curling an arm around his torso while he clutches the dog tags around his neck with the other.

“That’s it.” Klaus whispers. 

Ben has a startling moment of clarity where he notices he’s doing it again. Sitting back, letting things unfold without making a sound. He thought he was getting more vocal, interacting more, but right now.. This is Klaus, his only company for years and years, and Ben’s heart has broken for him so many times that more often than not, he become apathetic and just watch and wait in the background while his brother made his mistakes.

Not anymore. 

He moves down from the spot on the bed where he was sitting, gently moving Klaus’ arms and laying down next to him. Klaus latches onto him with no reservations, curling up and pressing his face into Ben’s chest while he grieves and mutters curses to himself for never being good enough, never being smart enough, never being allowed to have something good without it slipping through his fingers like a fist full of sand because he’s a screw up and he always will be.

“You didn’t know.” Ben mumbles as he cards his fingers through curly hair. He hasn’t done this since they were kids, when Klaus was screaming his head off after mausoleum nightmares. “You just didn’t know.”

“I should’ve.” Klaus cried, no doubt getting smudges of eyeliner all over Ben’s uniform, “I should’ve known.  _ I should have saved him _ . Why can’t I- why- why am I always  _ missing something _ ?”

The way his voice cracks with the last sentence has him tightening his grip on Klaus, pulling him as close as possible. 

“You’ll conjure him though.” Ben says. He starts shushing Klaus and holds him a little bit tighter when he starts to protest. “You will. I know you can do it.”

“I- I-” Klaus hiccups, “Ben, I- I can’t  _ find him. _ ” He stresses, burying himself deeper in Ben’s chest so his voice is muffled. “The one person in the fucking world that can see the dead and talk to them- and I can’t even find him. It’s useless, I’m useless.”

“Shut up.” Ben murmurs, setting his chin on Klaus’ head. “Don’t talk about my best friend that way, idiot. You’re not useless.”

Klaus lets out another pathetic laugh, moving his head back and forth in a silent ‘no’. Ben has one hand in his hair, the other gently running up and down his back. He wishes he’d been able to do this before- he’d watched Klaus break down too many times to count and had resigned himself to only using his words to comfort him. Now, though, Ben can give him the affection he needed, and Klaus always takes to it like a drowning man finding land.

“You’re not. We’re gonna find him, Klaus. I’ll help. We can do it together.”

“Like- uh, like patty cake.” Klaus mumbles, moving his head so he can look up at his brother, his face a wreck with smudged eyeliner and tears.

“Like patty cake.” Ben agrees, the corner of his mouth lifting up in a smile.

That seems to help Klaus some, knowing he’s not alone in this anymore. He’s still sniffling, but he’s slowly starting to calm down. 

“He’s gonna be so fucking weirded out by me being a teen.” Klaus says in a quiet raspy voice. Ben huffs out a laugh.

“Five’s been doing all his calculations to see if he can make us adults again.” Ben reminds, and Klaus hums. “I’m not gonna let you do anything weird while you’re technically a teen, though.”

“Buzzkill.”

“I feel like he wouldn’t, either. You little weirdo.”

“ _ Ugh _ . Stop being annoying and responsible for me.”

“Nah.” Ben grins at him, and Klaus is fighting a smile too.

**Author's Note:**

> here's one of those deleted scenes! this time its from my good good ben + klaus fic. i'd wanted to have a scene where they spoke about dave, but couldn't really fit it in well, so it was scrapped. i fleshed it out a little more, though, and it got long enough to be published as its own work, so here we are!
> 
> if you read the original fic, you might notice a few small references to things that have happened, though i think its hopefully alright to read this on its own. if you're new to my Hargreeves Fix Their Shit au, it mainly revolves around bens relationships with the others, and goes through all the siblings slowly healing over time. havent finished all the siblings yet, but ill get there!
> 
> ALSO. fair warning, i am not jewish myself. i wanted include the mention about dave's faith and did some research, but tried not to get into too much detail. if i said anything incorrect, please let me know and i will change it.
> 
> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, feel free to yell at me about dave/klaus


End file.
